I must confess that when I was offered the chance to review I AM VIRGIN, I was a little upset when Fango’s managing editor added, “You’d be perfect for it!” Jeez, Mike, I’m just saving myself for the right lady. Can’t a guy be chaste and unsullied in this day and age without being made fun of? And I have had sex. Yes, only with myself, but that still counts for something, don’t it?

I AM VIRGIN (IMD) is a wannabe erotic spoof of I AM LEGEND that is neither sexy nor funny. A virus has expunged most of the world’s population, and all the survivors have been turned into horny vampires who crave not blood, but sex. All, that is, except one: Robby (Adam Davis). He’s supposedly the last “normal” human being on Earth. He’s also a virgin whose only companion is his basset hound, Billy. The story (what’s in a word?) is simple and repetitive: The lustful Robby wanders around looking for other human survivors. Instead, he finds wanton vampire men and women acting on their carnal desires. Robby then secretly watches these lascivious lads and ladies go at it (with no penetration shots) for 10 minutes to awful “sexy” music. Although he’s aroused, Robby can’t participate for fear of being “infected,” so he frustratedly returns home, where he gives webcasts complaining about his blue balls.